I love Craig. Ok, not the romantic kind of love, but more the 'I love his wacky sense of humor and he never fails to entertain me' kind of love. I watch his show almost every night. I've even sent in emails. And when I went to Las Vegas 2 months ago, I was stunned to find out he was performing live, so of course I had to get tickets. I've written about that. That was the time I was mistaken for a "movie star". God Bless that lovely young woman for making that mistake!
So Craig...here's the plan. You see, I've got it all figured out. You have had authors on your show before. And I know you often have people who are "on their way up" the success ladder. So, here I am a few rungs up and I could use a boost. Plus I like to talk. And I love meeting new people.
Craig, these are the TOP 10 REASONS why I'd be the perfect guest for you...
10. I am Scottish too. Ok, well my grandfather was Scottish. I never met him though; he died when my Mom was a child. I still have distant family in Scotland--in Glasgow--but I forget their names. Last name: McLellan. Do you know them? Are we related somehow?
9. I am apparently part Welsh, British and German too. Veener Schnitzel! I have no idea how this relates to you.
8. I am Canadian! You've said you like Canada and Canadians, so you should like me. In fact, I believe you said you came to Edmonton recently (how the heck did I miss you?) and enjoyed it. Call me next time you're in town and I'll personally escort you around West Edmonton Mall--as long as you don't mind getting lost.
7. I would bring your audience free books. Preferably copies of my bestselling suspense novels set in various Canadian locations. I can tell you and your guests about the mysterious Nahanni River--"the Bermuda Triangle of Canada"--which is the main setting in my thriller The River (close to your own book title--see how much we have in common?)
6. I seem to have no problems chatting about just about anything. You name the topic; I'll wing it. Antidisestablishmentarianism, you say? Sure thing. Of course, we can definitely talk about my favorite topic--killing people off. I do that regularly in my line of work. Uh, I write suspense fiction, in case you've forgotten already. You can even do your Angela Lansbury impression: "Has there been a murder?" To which I'll answer, "I'm plotting one right now."
5. My good friend Alexia Melnychuk is a sensational singer-songwriter. I'll bring her with me for one of your entertainment segments. You'll like her music. She'll give you a free CD that'll get you singing in your car or your chair. It could be an all-Canadian show. Except for you. And most of the audience. And the camera men...
4. I'll even shred the notes they leave you myself and throw them on the floor. This would be a case of Divine Intervention. I'll even bring my paper shredder if you'd like. We can do it right. Don't forget to recycle.
3. And if you invite me to come down soon, I may be able to get you and your guests a copy of my critically acclaimed novel Whale Song, which I've just been told will be going out of print soon. Maybe a publisher will watch your show, see me on it, contact my New York agent (yes, I have one) and offer me a major 5-book deal, then sell a movie about a Canadian author who really hits it big after being a guest on the Craig Ferguson show.
2. I can also show you my iPhone and tell you about the novel I'm writing on it. Finding Bliss has attracted a lot of media attention and 2 companies are already vying to be the first to release it. When I'm done showing you the iPhone and how it works, you'll want one too. Maybe Apple will give you one after they sponsor me and my novel.
1. And the #1 reason why you should have me on as a guest is because I'll bring you chocolate. I'll bring Bliss chocolates! They inspired my iPhone novel Finding Bliss. No, it's not a story about killer chocolates; the main character's name is Bliss. And yeah, she'll eat a few chocloates in the story. Probably while she's watching Craig Ferguson on The Late Late Show.
So Craig, Mr. Ferguson, Sir Ferguson...please have your people call my people ASAP.
Actually, please just email me. I don't really have "people" yet. Unless you count my husband. Or my daughter. Or my mother and father. Or my puppy. I'd be very happy to chat with Lisa Ammerman; she'd did a great job as your impromptu guest a few months back.
I will now wait with the phone in one hand and the other clicking the "receive/send email" button every 5 minutes--until I hear back from you...
Darn, no email from Craig Ferguson yet.
author of Whale Song, The River and Divine Intervention