The loss of a child never goes away

Today is a hard day for me. Twenty-one years ago today, my life was shattered with such intense pain and loss. On this day every year, I remember June 12, 1989, like it was yesterday. It's a day I remember becoming a mother for the first time. And it's the day my son died.

I don't talk about him as much as I used to. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten him. I haven't. I never will. After a "perfect" pregnancy with no health problems except heart burn, I went into hard back labor. It lasted 16 hours. I was monitored throughout, but the montior only picked up a slight increase in heart rate about 20 minutes before my baby was born.

As soon as he was born, that very second, I knew something was wrong. I could see it in the doctor's eyes. I could feel it in the stillness of the room...and the silence. I caught a glimpse of my son as the doctor and nursing staff attended him. He was a purplish color from the waist down. I saw my doctor pick up his tiny foot and let it go. It dropped and stayed still.

But he was alive.

He lived for four hours. They did everything they could to save him. They sent him by ambulance to a better hospital, but he died before arriving. My deepest regret. I was so drugged, so devastated, that I hadn't thought to demand they send me with him.

He's with me now. Always. In my heart.

I often wonder what life would've been like with a son turning twenty-one. Jessica would've had an older brother. What would he be doing now? Would he be in college? Would he join the military, like both of his grandfathers and his dad? Would he look like his dad, sound like him?

I miss him. I never got the chance to even know him and I miss him.

Yes, the loss of a child never goes away. But it does get easier to bear. I've made my peace with Fate. I made it twenty-one years ago today. On the day my son was born...and died.

My daughter Jessica was born a year later. On a Monday morning, just like her brother. Geminis, the two of them. She had a head of hair just like him too. In fact, they looked identical. Even down to a small red splotch in the middle of their foreheads--a mark my doctor told me was called an "angel's kiss".

Blast From My Past: Scissor Trix & Stories

It's been a while since I wrote a Blast From My Past. So here's one that takes me back to the early '80's. Seems like centuries ago...

Something that most of my readers don't know is that I was once a hair stylist with my own salon. After high school, I moved to Vancouver, BC, and took a cosmetology course at Moler's School of Hairdressing. I'm not sure, but I don't think it is there any more. Back then, "cosmetology" consisted of mainly hair and some general aesthetics. My big dream was to become a stylist and makeup artist for the stars. Although I still dreamt of becoming a published author, I knew that I could actually make a living as a cosmetologist.

The course was about a year long, and then we were required to apprentice for one year before we could get our licence. And that's where I hit a brick wall. Back in the '80's, salons weren't looking for apprentices. They wanted fully qualified stylists WITH clientele.

So I moved around a bit, trying to complete my year. I went to Terrace, BC, then moved back home to the Queen Charlotte Islands. In Masset, the town my parents lived in, there were 2 salons at the time and one was on the military base. I was very fortunate to continue my apprenticeship with Linda, the owner of the salon.

I had about 2 months to go when I got some bad news. Linda and her husband were moving. The shop had to be sold and the chances of me continuing my apprenticeship with a new owner were slim. I had hit another brick wall.

But then Linda had an idea. I had completed my cosmetology course with flying colors and although I hadn't completed my 1 year apprenticeship, I had been working from my home for over 2 years. Hair styling is artistic and creative and right up my alley, and I was very good at it. Linda thought so too.

Because the salon was on military property, all potential owners had to go through a "competition". Licensed stylists were allowed to apply for the shop and had to prove they were the best person. Linda backed me 150%, but there was still something standing in my way. The apprenticeship.

Linda contacted the apprenticeship board and explained the situation, plus gave me a glowing recommendation. A few days later, a fellow from the board flew to the island to watch me work. I was a bit nervous at first, but then forgot he was there. I was in my element--creating. My apprenticeship term was written off as completed, and I received my license shortly afterward.

With Linda and my father (who was in the military) batting for me, I was in my glory when it was announced that I had 'won' the competition for the salon. I bought the equipment, supplies, said goodbye to Linda and embarked on my exciting journey. At about 21, I was the youngest salon owner in BC.

I renamed the salon Cheryl's Scissor Trix. The 'x' was a pair of scissors. :)

I have always said that I have written something at every job I have ever had. During my time as a salon owner, I told stories to the kids that came to get their hair cut. Even the most difficult ones would sit quiet as a mouse as I told them about Ty-Lor, the Knot Elfling, and how he was so tiny and would climb up their sheets at night and tie knots in their hair so that they'd learn to brush their hair each morning. I had created this fantasy world of Elflings--fairylike creatures with colorful glowing skin and hair. The girls had glowing wings.

Years later, I painted a series of illustrations and wrote the text for my first Elfling Kingdom book--The Elfling Princess. It remains unpublished at this time, but I did get some prototypes made (completely bound hardcover picture books) and took them to schools, libraries and daycares and read my story to the children. I even fashioned a Barbie doll after one of the characters. Shortly afterward, I wrote and illustrated a children's book called My Imaginary Friend. One day, I'll get these books published.

For now, I am very happy to be Cheryl Kaye Tardif, bestselling Canadian suspense author. ;-)

http://www.cherylktardif.com

http://www.whalesongbook.com

Whale Song is mandatory reading for victims of violence

Because of everything that happened with Alliance for Children's Enrichment (ACE), I was contacted by a few of ACE's board members. One of them is Linda, the Executive Director of Community Welcome House, a shelter in Newnan, Georgia, for women and children who are victims of violence. I received this email from her.

Cheryl,
I love the book. I have been reading it in between the business of the Christmas Season which is always tragic for women and children who are victims of domestic violence. As soon as I complete the book, I am almost there, I will send the critique to Amazon.com. It is going to be included in our mandatory reading for our residents of Community Welcome House. It will be a wonderful addition to our library. I can't thank you enough.

Community Welcome House is looking for volunteers, so if you live in the Newnan area and would like to help out, please contact Morgan Reese at Reese1819@numail.org.

CWH is also looking for donations of gift card from department stores such as Target, Walmart, Belks, Kohls, etc., older cars that are still driveable, and monetary donations.

You can donate online at:
http://www.communitywelcomehouse.org/donations.html

Or arrange a donation by calling 770-304-0966 or emailing lindakirk@charter.net

Order Whale Song.

Cheryl Kaye Tardif in the Edmonton Journal

I was featured in the Edmonton Journal on the front page of the CityPlus section - Dec. 13th issue. I was interviewed about the nonprofit organization Alliance for Children's Enrichment in Newnan, Georgia.

Read about Cheryl in the Edmonton Journal.

Cookin' in the kitchen on "Celebrity Chefs"

As some of you know, I always manage to get myself involved in some of this wackiest things--like the time I was a contestant in a reality TV show for writers (A Total Write-Off!). Well, yesterday I had cameras rolling in my kitchen as CityTV filmed an episode of "Celebrity Chefs" for their "Your City" show. With my daughter Jessica as my sidekick, and a fire extinguisher as my other sidekick, we cooked up a delicious family recipe called Strawberry Dumplings.

The recipe was a favorite of my brother Jason and he used to beg my mom to make it. There were never any leftovers of this dessert to store in the fridge--Jason made sure of that! :) So in honor of my brother who died in 2006, I decided to make this simple and easy recipe.

"Celebrity Chefs" was a blast to film. You'll be able to see the video on CityTV's website next week. You'll see the wacky side of me that most people don't see at my book signings. (Really! I am much more professional, Mr. Publisher!) lol

As I was cookin' in my kitchen, we talked about Whale Song, movie possibilities, the death of my brother Jason and the 3 nonprofits I donate to in his honor, plus the Christmas wish list that I discovered online and my involvement with Alliance for Children's Enrichment in finding sponsors. Of course, by the time CityTV's done editing it, who knows what you'll see.

At the end of filming, Jessica and I sampled the Strawberry Dumplings and...sigh...they were just like I remembered. A wonderful, warm comfort food for a cold winter day. I'll post the recipe on Tuesday, Dec. 11th. When the cameras stopped rolling we invited Rhonda the producer and Steve the camera guy to have some. Nice job they have! Although, I don't think they sampled too much of what actor/comedian Tom Green made during his "Celebrity Chefs" episode.

"Celebrity Chefs" airs every Tuesday at 6:30 pm on "Your City" and my episode will be on this Tuesday, Dec. 11th. If you miss it, you'll be able to watch it on CityTV's site at:
http://www.citytv.com/edmonton/yourcity_34640.aspx

So to my mom who found me the recipe, thank you! The Strawberry Dumplings were a complete success.

And we didn't have to use the fire extinguisher! :)

ACE Update #3 - Cheryl Kaye Tardif in the Times-Herald (GA)

W. Winston Skinner wrote about me and the Alliance for Children's Enrichment (ACE) in the Times-Herald, a Georgia newspaper.

But first, I have to share the lovely poem, written by Jan Taylor at ACE. She actually sold it to Hallmark years ago and it was on a greeting card. This is reprinted with permission.

Life's Perfect Balance

If all the days were sunny,
and the skies were always blue
except for maybe now and then
a rainbow's tinted hue.
Then life would be quite boring,
not too interesting at all.
Because for every Spring that comes,
there has to be a fall.
For each success...
a failure,
for every day...
a night,
for every moment of sadness,
there's another of pure delight.
And if we're able to accept
whatever comes our way,
we'll find a perfect balance
in our lives from day to day.
~*~

What great sentiments!

It was my publisher at Kunati Books who first pointed out to me that there was another article about me, Whale Song, Jan Taylor and the Alliance for Children's Enrichment in the Times-Herald. Reporter W. Winston Skinner follows this amazing story in his December 2, 2007, article titled 'Canadian author responds to wish on ACE Christmas list'.

I am so glad to know that my small efforts are actually helping. It was time worth spending. :)

Go to http://content.times-herald.com/searches.bsp and type TARDIF into the top search (Search the News). You'll see both articles that mention this story.

Also, please consider sponsoring a child this Christmas. It is immensely rewarding and truly puts the meaning of Christmas into the holidays. To sponsor a child through ACE, contact Jan Taylor at cjantaylor@aol.com or call her at 770-254-3339.

Happy holidays!
Cheryl Kaye Tardif

A Christmas miracle

There are times in my life when I have to stop and take a moment to just listen to that "still, small voice". Some of you may know what I'm talking about. That voice that says, "Hey! Listen up! You're meant to do something here. But you won't know what unless you stop and...breathe."

There are times when I am so glad I stopped. This is one of those times.

I've told you about the girl in Newnan, Georgia, who asked for a few things on the Alliance for Children's Enrichment Christmas wish list that was posted in the Times-Herald. I've told you how inspired and touched I was to see that she asked for "Cheryl Tardif books", in particular, Whale Song. I've told you that I decided to sponsor this teen and send her a Christmas I hope she'll always remember. And I believe I've told you that I contacted some other authors on the teen wish list, plus some author friends who aren't.

What I haven't told you is how honored I am to know Jan Taylor, my contact at ACE. Here is a woman who serves her community and "her kids" selflessly and tirelessly. And yet, Jan's own health is seriously declining. I was shocked when she told me she thought she might not make it to Christmas this year, or that it might be her last if she does make it. I was humbled, and continue to be, in the presence (albeit by phone) of this woman.

In an email that she sent out to board members and cc'd to me, she says, "I was quite apprehensive about the Christmas drive this year for several reasons." Jan talked about how low donations were this year, and how many more families they have that need to be helped. I know that this woman has personally cared for and paid for necessities for families. Sometimes for food, heat and electricity, clothing, shelter and prescription drugs. She was so apprehensive this year, worried for her 4000+ families, sad for the kids who will go without food or a Christmas gift.

I am so glad I stopped to listen...to breathe.

After contacting Jan and sponsoring my teen, I decided to see if there was anything else I can do. So I contacted all my author friends, some I knew, some I didn't. Some were on the wish list, some weren't. I contacted my family and friends, book reviewers and as many others as I could think of. I emailed them to let them know that someone (many someones) need help. And they are answering. These authors and friends are also stopping and listening...and helping. And I thank each and every one of them. You are true angels!

ACE still has many more teens and families that need help to get through Christmas and the winter, and I invite you to consider doing a Random Act of Kindness before 2007 is over. Send in a donation, sponsor a child or family...and be part of this Christmas miracle. I guarantee you won't regret it!

In Jan's words, "Christmas is the season of miracles, some small, some large and sometimes, one just needs to be able to recognize them. "

You can contact Jan Taylor at Alliance for Children's Enrichment

8 Carmichael Street

Newnan, Georgia 30263

770-254-3339

770-254-3330 (Fax)

cjantaylor@aol.com

If you wish to sponsor a child, please contact Jan first to see which children are left on the list and to get their real names, especially if you are an author who wishes to send an autographed book.

To read how this miracle began, please read A Christmas Connection.

For the latest wish list, go HERE.

Merry Christmas to you all!

~Cheryl Kaye Tardif

Connecting at Christmas

Some connections may seem tenuous at best. But others appear from nowhere, like the fellow who emailed me out of the blue to ask if we were related. I believe we are all connected. We're connected by past, present and future, by nature, spirit and energy, by hopes and dreams, by fate and faith, by love and light...and caring.

And yesterday, I was reminded again that this world we live in may seem unbelievably large--infinite even--and yet, the smallest of actions can set into motion something that spreads across land and sea, from one country to another, from one heart to another.

It all started with a wish list I saw online. No, wait! Let's go back further.

It started with an organization in Newnan, Georgia. The Alliance for Children's Enrichment (ACE) is responsible for helping the less fortunate families and children of the Newnan-Coweta area. Every year, ACE makes a wish list, with names, ages and gift wishes of children who live at poverty level. The hardest category to fill is the teens. Their needs are sometimes more expensive and they are often overlooked as many people want to help the younger children first.

This saddens me. I have a 17 year old daughter. Christmas is just as important to her now as it was when she was a child. And every child deserves to have something beautiful and colorful to unwrap on Christmas morning. That is the excitement, the thrill of Christmas.

So how did I find out about this organization and their kids?

Read the entire story here.

Cheryl Kaye Tardif, bestselling author of Whale Song (Kunati Books)