The loss of a child never goes away

Today is a hard day for me. Twenty-one years ago today, my life was shattered with such intense pain and loss. On this day every year, I remember June 12, 1989, like it was yesterday. It's a day I remember becoming a mother for the first time. And it's the day my son died.

I don't talk about him as much as I used to. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten him. I haven't. I never will. After a "perfect" pregnancy with no health problems except heart burn, I went into hard back labor. It lasted 16 hours. I was monitored throughout, but the montior only picked up a slight increase in heart rate about 20 minutes before my baby was born.

As soon as he was born, that very second, I knew something was wrong. I could see it in the doctor's eyes. I could feel it in the stillness of the room...and the silence. I caught a glimpse of my son as the doctor and nursing staff attended him. He was a purplish color from the waist down. I saw my doctor pick up his tiny foot and let it go. It dropped and stayed still.

But he was alive.

He lived for four hours. They did everything they could to save him. They sent him by ambulance to a better hospital, but he died before arriving. My deepest regret. I was so drugged, so devastated, that I hadn't thought to demand they send me with him.

He's with me now. Always. In my heart.

I often wonder what life would've been like with a son turning twenty-one. Jessica would've had an older brother. What would he be doing now? Would he be in college? Would he join the military, like both of his grandfathers and his dad? Would he look like his dad, sound like him?

I miss him. I never got the chance to even know him and I miss him.

Yes, the loss of a child never goes away. But it does get easier to bear. I've made my peace with Fate. I made it twenty-one years ago today. On the day my son was born...and died.

My daughter Jessica was born a year later. On a Monday morning, just like her brother. Geminis, the two of them. She had a head of hair just like him too. In fact, they looked identical. Even down to a small red splotch in the middle of their foreheads--a mark my doctor told me was called an "angel's kiss".

Kissed by an Angel (a poem for Sebastien)

Kissed By An Angel


Tiny baby, wrapped within

Where no sin could ever rest,

A mother's prayer for skin on skin,

A prayer of thanks for being blessed.


Nine full months anticipation

New formation of a life,

Daughter, friend and wanderer,

Now true definition of a wife.


Welcomed pain, joyful love

From above, God sent a child,

Small and sweet, so innocent

But to live a little while.


At birth, I saw his life grow dim,

I cherished him, please don't go!

But four short hours brought an end,

My first-born son, I'll never know.


Many years have come and gone,

Life goes on, in light and dark,

And in my son's photograph,

Between his eyes he bears a mark.


My daughter arrived one year after,

Through the laughter, I remember this,

She was born with the very same mark,

A mark that is called an "Angel's Kiss".



~*~

© Copyright 2004 Cheryl Kaye Tardif. All rights reserved.

In memory of Sebastien

It was a bittersweet day today. I drove my daughter to one of her final exams today, then came home and puttered around on the computer, not completely focused because today is a special day--and a sad one.

June 12th, 1989...

After a perfect pregnancy, I gave birth to a son. Within seconds I knew that something was wrong. His legs were dark purplish gray and there was no response when the nurse lifted them and let them go. I could see it on everyone's face--the nurses and my doctor knew it too. My baby--my firstborn--was dying.

He died 4 hours after birth--in an ambulance heading for a special children's hospital.

I never held him.

My husband did, but I never held my son. After they first took him away, they put him in an incubator. I was afraid to touch him. The minister from our church came to the hospital and baptized our son. Sebastien Pierre Tardif--"Pierre" after my husband's father.

Today was Sebastien's birthday. He would have been 19.

This afternoon I thought about him. I wondered if he would have looked a bit like our daughter, if he would have looked like my husband Marc.

Would Sebastien have had a girlfriend he really loved? Would he be getting ready to go to college, university...or would he be joining the company where his dad works? Would he have liked fixing cars like his dad? I like to think so. Would he be getting ready to leave, to move out?

Would he have skipped school, tried pot, beaten up the neighbor's boy, taken my car for a joyride before he got his license? Would he have had a wild party when Marc and I went to Mexico? Would he fight with Jessica over everything?

I wish he would have had the opportunity to do ALL of this and more.

I have made peace with all that happened, with his death, and the hole in my life is not so big. I have learned very early on to accept it for what it was--mercy. Sebastien had a brain aneurism minutes before he was born. If he had survived he would have had no use of his legs, possibly his arms and his brain was damaged. In fact, he would not have done many of the things I would have dreamed for my son. He is at peace now, at rest.

And I will never forget him.

Happy birthday, my beautiful son.

A candlelight vigil and walk in memory of Tori and Dean

Yesterday I wrote about a tragic double murder that happened on July 26, 2006--the brutal strangulation of Tori Vienneau and her 10-month-old son, Dean. Their story deeply saddens me, especially for Tori and Dean's family and friends.

Such a senseless and incomprehendable act by Dennis Potts, the baby's birth father, a man who is awaiting a trial that I know will bring more heartache for Tori's family as they relive their loved ones' last hours. If the court sees fit, as it should, perhaps Tori and Dean will see a slim slice of justice. However, I believe there is never really true justice in this world.

Now I am going to turn my thoughts away from the INhuman to the wonderful and loving family and friends of Tori and Dean. I felt honored when I found emails from Tori's good friend Deserie and Tori's mom (and Dean's grandma) Dayna. I felt an immediate connection to them both, and my heart cries for their losses. But I am going to focus now on the knowledge that Tori and Dean's lives were richly blessed, by love and an ever-growing family of relatives and friends.

Right now Dayna and Deserie are preparing for a candlelight vigil and walk that will take place from 5:30-8:00 (PST). They are expecting about 50 family and friends to walk with them, including possible media. If you live in their area, I hope you will consider joining them. They can use all the support possible. (Vigil details at the end.) I wish them a peaceful and safe journey filled with loving thoughts of their two angels.

I can't walk with them since I live in Canada, but I'm walking in spirit. I've set up my own candle vigil, with angels and flowers from my brother's memorial service watching over my display.

Tonight I'll light 2 candles in honor of Tori and Dean, who touched my heart in 2 days. I pray that their spirits are at rest, just like my brother Jason, safe in the knowledge that they are loved.


A message from Deserie:

PLEASE JOIN US for a walk and candle light vigil in memory of Tori Vienneau (22) and Dean Springstube (10 mo.), TONIGHT from 5:30-8:00 pm.

Tori and Dean were viciously murdered on July 26, 2006 in their home. (Tori was savagely beaten and strangled; Baby dean was hung by a noose from his crib! The murder suspect is finally behind bars awaiting trial, to begin June 16, 2008).

We will walk from Tori's childhood home @ Fallbrook Ct. in Bonita, CA (91902), stopping along the way for a silent lighting of the candles.

We will continue on to Tori and Dean's final resting place at Glen Abbey Cemetary on Bonita Road.

PLEASE MEET @ THE GOLF COURSE ACROSS FROM VONS ON BONITA RD. IN BONITA.

We are asking for a $25 dollar donation, but any amount will help.

ALL PROCEEDS WILL GO FOR LEGAL EXPENSES AND START-UP COSTS for avoicefortorianddean.org to become a non-profit organization to help others who have been affected by violence.

Your donation is GREATLY appreciated!

While we are hoping to raise funds for this very worthy cause, we are first and foremost doing this to HONOR THE LIVES OF TORI AND DEAN.

--
Deserie Peterson
deserie@avoicefortorianddean.org


~Cheryl Kaye Tardif, author